Black February

I’m going to try something new this time around. 37 years and I’ve never written down my feelings. Oh, I FEEL them. Over and over every year. But, I’ve never tried to put those feelings into words outside of my own head. Which, in retrospect, is rather strange. Or telling.

I’m a writer, I’ve kept journals, off and on, for my entire life. Never thought of writing it all down before. This feels like something that must be done. Maybe this will be therapeutic. Or enlightening. Or just plain cleansing. Maybe it won’t do any good at all. Maybe I won’t find the end. But, as they say, nothing ventured nothing gained. And Harm deserves to be remembered. So, here's the story..............

Once upon a time, toward the end of July, 1967, to be more exact, there was this young girl. She was me at eighteen years old. Just out of High School and just about to finish up Beauty School. Ready to take on the world.

Back in those days, kids were allowed places to “hang out.” Our favorite was Carter’s Hamburgers. Exactly a two minute run from my back door. I know this as most nights that’s how I got home. At a run. Curfew was 10:00 p.m. and my mama didn’t play! I had it down to a science as for every minute I was late, I lost that many minutes the next night. So, back to Carter’s.

I was walking across the parking lot, ready to go nurse a coke for an hour or until somebody came by, whichever came first. My best girlfriend and another gal were sitting in a car I didn’t know, with some guys from Detroit. I’d never met them. Well, when he saw me, one of these guys says to Donna, “See that girl over there? I’m going to marry her.” He had no idea that she knew me. Donna turned to him and said, “oh yeah? Would you like to meet her first? She’s my best friend!”

She called me over to the car and introduced me to her new big bad boy friends from Detroit. Cool was different back then, but trust me, these guys were cool. His name was Harm. (Harm?) Never heard that one before. But, he was cute. Beautiful wavy brown hair and twinkling brown eyes with long eyelashes. And a terrific sense of humor. Somebody told me what he'd said about marrying me and we all had a good laugh.

We were talking and he said he had a motorcycle. Yippee, I loved motorcycles. He went home to get it and came right back to take me for a ride. Pre helmet days. I hopped on this great big, gorgeous 1967 Triumph, Purple before purple ruled………we went for a ride……..it was wonderful. I was happy, hanging’ on to him with the wind blowing through my hair. I wish I could say that I still feel the wind in my hair, but that would be wishful thinking or a big fat lie. I can’t. But, I still remember that it was magic.

He asked me for a date to the movies the next night. I easily said “yes”, before running home to make my curfew! And once again, I made it in on time.

Next day, Saturday, I had Beauty School and anxiously awaited 3:30 p.m. to get the hell out of there. Onward to home, where before even THINKING of going on a date that night, I had to scrub the kitchen and dining room floors, with a scrub brush and Fels Naptha soap. Let ‘em dry, a light coat of wax. And I was on my way to a shower and dolling up for a first date. He was due to pick me up at 7:00 p.m.

That’s when I first learned of his penchant for being late. And yes, he was always late.

7:00 came and went, then 7:30.……..maybe car trouble? Had I even given him my phone number? I didn’t remember. OK, now it’s nearly 8:00 and I’m listening to my mother…….”Well, he mustn’t be much of a guy to stand you up…….Why should you even want to date this guy?…..You deserve better than this………..and on and on.” This was new. I’d never been stood up before. And I was getting pretty pissed off. So, at 8:oo I announced, “I’m going to Carter’s. If he shows up, tell him I said, “Don’t bother with me. I don’t want to see you.”

I swear, I had one foot out the back door when my mother hollered, “He’s here. He’s cute.” What can I say? I met him and his hundred apologies at the door. And I bought it. He took a nap and overslept. His mother (who grew to be one of my favorite people in the whole world, another story) woke him up singing “Lolli Pop, Lolli Pop, Oh Lolli Lolli Lolli Pop.” He was already late by then. But, at least he showed up with a story I was willing to believe.

We went to the Dearborn Drive In. I honestly can’t remember if we saw, The Dirty Dozen or Goldfinger. Whatever, we saw one of them one week and the other the next. In the whole scheme of things, I’ve found that the order just doesn’t really matter.

The next day, Sunday, he took me to meet his parents. He’d told me that his mother’s birthday was the day before, July 27th. I remember being in awe that his mother was so young. She’d just turned forty years old. Heck, my mother was 36 when I was born, Daddy was 45. So, his parents seemed sooo young to me. It was just a quick ‘hello”, but perhaps it was telling, that after only one date, he took me home to Mama.

OH WAIT. I forgot about what happened AFTER Harm dropped me off. I had a midnight curfew. Afterwards, he went to his old stomping grounds, Pacer’s, his hangout like my own personal Carter’s. Just to hook up with friends and probably brag about his date with the cute blonde. Went for a ride with a friend who’d been drinking. Next thing he knew, BANG, the guy ran off the road and into someone’s front porch. He hit and split. Leaving Harm alone with the car & empty beer cans. A couple of minutes later the cops arrived. Dennis, that was that bastard’s name! Anyway, Harm landed in jail, not in trouble really, but his mother had to pick him up at the police station about 3:00 in the morning. Not a happy mother to say the least.

to be continued.............

Gettin' By

Oh boy! Well, I guess this is good. Sort of. At least we finally have some idea just where we stand. Limbo sucks, maybe reality will be better.

Richie was called back to work on Monday, a week early. Worked on Monday, sent home after 3 hours onTuesday, worked yesterday & so far today. He just called me. Was told his last day is tomorrow. He's on indefinate layoff. Maybe they'll call him back in June. Right. No doubt they're going under. Laying off another 31 poor souls tomorrow. Cutting down to 10 people per shift. There's no way they can profitably run with those numbers. Common sense.

Well, he'll be 62 in April & able to collect at least a little social security. Funny, those words don't sound too damn secure today.

So, how best to handle this? Right now, I'm shooting for eBay. I've written about 60 descriptions in the last few days. Now he'll have time to take photos for me so I can get them listed. Positive outlook, right?

Jen's friend (and all of ours) Anima, sorta my 5th daughter type gal, she's been in our family for about 20 years or so. I feed her meat and lots of my pasta sauce............she's Indian & comes from a vegetarian family......a succesful career woman and a sweetheart. She gave me a couple of bags of clothes to sell. Nice stuff, good brands and most with tags. I should generate a little income from that.

Plus, I've been taking stuff down from my kitchen shelves. All of the old aqua & pink kitchen collectibles that I've spent years acquiring. It'll make dusting easier, right? (Like I dust!) I sold my cowboy collection and lived through it a few years ago when R lost his job..........so, here we go again.

Remember how your parents told you "You can't live on love?" Well. I'll let you know how that turns out! Thanks for listening.
xox

CONTINUED

(I lost my way once again in "save & edit" land.)

So, as I was saying..............I didn't stand up in 1961, but my man Martin, did! And I've always admired him for it. I went upstairs to my craft room and looked again at my little M.L. King doll standing at his little podium. Put in the tape of his "I Have A Dream " speech. Picked up the paper fan from the funeral home in Tennessee, with his picture on it, and spent a couple of minutes reflecting on this brave man. It was awesome.

And today, Barack Obama is President of the United States. No offense if you're not on my bandwagon, but my world is good today!

Martin Luther King Jr.......

One of my heroes. He & Johnny Cash & my Uncle Bob are my Heroes. Each for a different reason. Maybe someday I'll explain them all, but today is strictly for my man, Martin.

I'm watching Oprah and remembering an especially great man. And my initiation into racism.

I grew up in white suburbia. But, thank God I didn't grow up with racial prejudices. I wasn't exposed to blacks while growing up, but I also wasn't exposed to the ugly words used to describe them. Sure, I knew there were "Colored People" & "Negros." Those were acceptable terms while I was growing up. I remember hearing my parents using those words. But, not the N---- word. That was just not used in my house and I'm so very grateful for that!

My eye-opening experience came in some small town in Georgia in 1961. I was twelve years old. On my way, involved in a first time trip to Florida with my brother & his family. Oh, we'd had fun along the long drive. Picnic-ing at a rest stop along the way and interrupted by wild boars who were hungry. My bro throwing radishes to them while we escaped to the car. It was also my first stop at a motel that had a pool with a slide. WoW!! Oh, what fun we had! Then, the next day.............

I was thirsty. We stopped at a little country store so I could get a Coke. (and a brief respite from a couple of younger & irratiting nephews). Driving through this town, I'd noticed water fountains with signs, "White Only." "Colored Only." Hmmmmm, that was new to me. Hmmm.

I went into the store, got my coke (in a glass bottle, no less), and got in line at the register. There were several people in front of me in line. Men. Women. Girls. Boys. They were all black, which honestly, I hadn't even noticed. I was just in line to pay for my pop. All of a sudden, the guy (white) at the register, yelled to me. "Little Lady, step up here to the front." I looked around, having no idea he was referring to me. I knew where I was in the line, several people in front of me. Everybody backed off to allow me access to the front of the line. I'm thinking, "What the heck??" I'm way back in the line? Why is everyone looking at me? And expecting me to move to the front of the line?

I said to the guy, "I'm not next. These people are in front of me."

Storekeeper said,"These are only Niggers, they'll wait for you, step up little lady."

You know what? I humbly did. I didn't want to. I knew deep down that what I was doing was wrong. But, I did it. My only saving grace is that I remember that I was just a little girl in 1961. Very different from what may have occured in that same situation today.










I remember hearing about Selma and Integration & Cival Rights, as I was a young teenager. Those words sparked a flame in me, but I never did anything to help ignite that flame.

enuf already

UNCLE!

I keep thinking one of these days I'll actually sit down here and write something wonderful and uplifting. Maybe tomorrow? UNfortunately, not today Again.

Typing now with very chilly fingers. Our corn stove went out earlier this evening. Just quit. Probably the blower, which we replaced only 2 years ago and will cost another $150.00 this time around. That really doesn't sound like such a big deal, does it? By itself, it really wouldn't be.

But, you see, we seem to be a on a continuous downward swirl for the past 3 weeks or so. Let's see, I lost my job. Richie's job is a great big "if" just now. The pump went out, replaced at $350.00 after days of Richie trying his best to fix it.

Then the windstorm that blew down 4 huge branches of the tree in our backyard. Yes, we were blessed that it didn't hit the house or electrical lines, believe me, I don't forget to count the good along with the bad. However, our chain saw was a gift from a friend and needs to be worked on. (i.e. it doesn't work). Small parts of tree moved and piled, big hunks still staring at us everyday.

Oh yeah, the same storm knocked the great big barn doors off kilter and they're shored up until the weather warms up and they can be worked on with a little help from our strong Amish friends.

Then there's the car. It's developed a hole in the exhaust manifold and the connecting gasket is gone. R took it in today & it would cost several hundred $s to fix it. With nearly 200,000 miles on the dear old vehicle, that's out of the question right now. So, we'll just keep on trucking & pray some cop hoping to make his ticket quota doesn't pass us!

What I feel the worst about is that the greatest burden of all this crap falls directly on R's shoulders. He's such a good guy. And health wise, he really doesn't need all this added stress. He's wound too tight and having nearly lost him to a heart attack 20 years ago, it really scares me. He needs a break from all this on his back.

I know, I know.........God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I KNOW that, but I wish he'd slack off a bit and spread this unfortunateness (new word) around a little bit. Just for a while. Till we can catch our breath and prepare for the next onslaught.

Thanks for listening once again.
xox

oops...

Think I blew it on copying that image! Oh well, what ya gonna do?
xox

Drama Queen

Today was another day. Haven't even poked my head outdoors, but it looked pretty gloomy. I think I'm carrying around enough gloom of my own, I don't need to be in a gray day outside to add to the fun.

Applied for unemployment benefits yesterday. Should get a check in about 3 weeks. Tomorrow we'll be sitting down with all the financial stuff & trying to figure out how we'll survive this recession. Richie is scheduled to go back to work on the 19th, but I anticipate a call or a letter either delaying that or laying him off permanently too. Negative, yes. but, I haven't called it wrong yet.

Maybe I should join the theater community like my favorite Cuz! For several weeks I've portrayed Cleopatra.......in De Nile. More recently I've cast myself as Scarlet O'Hara.......Tomorrow is another day. I'm now leaning toward a new role as Rhett Butler........Frankly My Dear, I don't give a damn.

I'm thinking it's about time to take the Christmas tree down. I love the lights, but it's getting time to either take it down or dust all the ornaments. So, that's another job that will grow as it goes. Of course, I'll have to straighten out the Christmas closet, gather up all the holiday decorations, move them upstairs.........it exhausts me to think about it. Damn, I'm pretty much a no ambition mess these days.

Anybody watch America's Biggest Losers? We just discovered it in a marathon on New Year's Eve and got hooked. The new season started tonight, I think we're gonna be following it. Man, I give those people credit for being brave enough to let it all hang out. Literally. And those workouts. I think I would have punched a trainer once I caught my breath. But then again, I wish I had one to inspire me.

I've never been one for "Reality" shows. I'm just too skeptical a person to believe much of it is real. And I prefer my drama in something that really is just what it professes itself to be. Drama. A good fake movie anytime over made for TV bullshit drama.

So, with my cheeriness intact, I'll say goodnite for now. It's been real & it's been fun, etc.

xox